my fuzzy valentine

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Happy Valentine’s Day! So far, I have nearly overdosed on chocolate, received a potted plant (mini roses) from a (female) desk mate and shared first date horror stories with anyone who would listen. Pretty good day, even if I do say so myself (which I do). Tonight, I will have dinner in with my trusted companion, Mac, and watch a movie. The cat will probably sneak his way onto the couch at some point, as per the norm.

And, even though I’m “okay” being alone on VDAY… I must admit that, last night, I realized something: I’ve somehow transitioned from not eating when stressed to overeating when stressed. It used to be that when I was having anxiety I would just not eat. But lately it seems I’m literally eating my feelings. What to do? Obvious answer: CUT IT OUT! But I ate dinner (chicken and broccoli) and THEN, an hour later, half a container of red potato salad – before I even noticed the behavior. The night before, I ate 2 apples with peanut butter (after dinner) and if I had more apples I’d have finished off the peanut butter… really. It could be that I’m bored; a lot less is going on in the house since the ex left. It could be an attempt to comfort myself (as opposed to not eating – which was always more of a punishment). It is most likely a combination of the two. Maybe I’m just trying to create another layer of fat to insulate (hide) myself from people in general?

I’m totally okay with “being alone”. My anxiety is more likely due to the prospect of not being alone… of getting hurt, wasting more time with a mr. wrong… and avoiding the inevitable disappointment that all human interactions (my opinion) lead to. I know that sounds pathetic. But that doesn’t make it any less true.

It would seem, I’ve got a lot of negative feelings to work through (without working through the rest of that red potato salad).