Only one month left until my 37th birthday. The closer I get to my birthday the more I get tangled up in my own kind of silent crisis. My birthdays have ALWAYS been crap. So what I usually do is keep it low key, low expectations, and all that. My 30th birthday was decent. I was pretty drunk, was semi- newly divorced, MUCH thinner. I’ve probably never smiled so much in my life.
Things are a bit different now. I’ve worked through a lot (with therapy and on my own). I’ve settled down. Forgiven. Even accomplished some mild nesting (same address 8 years you are gonna have to unpack a box or two.) I’m “better” in some ways and “worse” in others. I get tired, I get fed up and sometimes lose hope. Maybe I thought I’d be married and have kids by now (at 37). I don’t really know.
Every single person on Earth struggles. I remind myself of that often. We are all “blessed” in different ways. I’m not religious so I use “blessed” as a general term that everyone can understand (yeah, I know – all 5 of you that read this blog). My life is simple and I know that. I relate much better to my animals than I do people and I’ve retreated way, way, way into my shell the last 5 years. This year has been AWFUL. Like, not just for me – in general, life for everyone this year seems to have been tragic and sad, horrific even. Have you ever noticed that all shows on TV after 8:30 pm are about MURDER? There are a few comedies, yeah. But if you sit and flip through the basic channels – it’s all MURDER. Forgot my point… but anyway… life is what you make it – and [ insert other platitudinous phrases here ].
I got a voice mail yesterday from State Farm. It started out all cheerful like “I’m calling because your birthday is in one month…” then took a weird turn and went straight to “…so we’d like to talk to you about life insurance…” blah blah blah…
All I heard was “Your birthday is next month…so you’ll probably die soon, because at 37 you are basically half way there…” (in the same cheerful tone.)
All I know right now is, life isn’t fair but that’s the way it is. As per the norm, I will spend the next 30 days getting my act together, daring to be cheerful, and most importantly getting out of my own way.