We made it to September! Hooray for small miracles, am I right? Today was a decent day. Jacksonville just narrowly avoided Hermine (tropical storm?). Only a little bit scary around 4am this morning when the wind howled and debris grazed the side of my tiny townhouse. Don’t be fooled though, there’s plenty of things left to clean up around the neighborhood. I had to retrieve my garbage can from the yard next door, for example, and I was shuffling branches of many sizes to the back of the yard today while Mac supervised. Just past the fence now rests a rather large tree limb, which is a little too close for my liking. No power outage, no rain puddles seeping under the front door. All is well, as well as it should be anyway.
Thankful it is a three day weekend. I’ll probably “pumpkin spice” up the house and spend some time with Mac, since I worked so much in August we have some major catching up to do. Of course, a three day weekend means a preponderance of what-am-I-going-to-do-with-the-rest-of-my-life-type questions.
What **AM** I going to do with the rest of this life?
The human condition weighs on us…even when things in our own tiny worlds seem decent; like today seemed for me. The last 8 months have felt heavy and dark, not just because of my father’s illness, or my turning 40 – it’s too many things to list. I was reminded the other day that we choose our own despair…we also choose our own happiness. Admittedly, I wasn’t quite receptive to this concept at that moment. I’ve been wrestling with depression for a few months now – the kind where you want to disappear (not suicidal – do not worry about me that way) – hearing advice from a happy person (probably the happiest frickin’ person I know) about choosing happiness made me want to lash out. That’s what I do when I’m in pain. Invisible wounds make it difficult to imagine yourself in a genuine state of happiness.
What if I don’t even know HOW to be happy?
I’m beginning this process in order to get myself unstuck and I’m proud of myself for being able to stop and think before unleashing my personal pain on the one person helping me find my own way. That’s progress, isn’t?
Friends are few, in this part of the forest…so we must tread lightly.
A few days ago, during a doctor visit, we discussed my emotional well-being…again…it was pretty awkward. Sometimes I wish I was a “hugger,” you know? People just want to hug me lately and I tense up or flinch. I actually hate that people might feel rejected by my “no hugging policy.” Even though this policy means I rack up another “FAILURE TO HUMAN” moment…I’m just not into casual hugging (unless you are canine). I hug people I love and trust. You may have already guessed that my doctor offered a hug during that visit…and I said no.
Such a weirdo.
My homework over the extended weekend includes doing what I need to in order to choose happiness, finding out what causes me to dwell in despair, and getting “off my bum” to change the things that feed into that mindset.
Since I’m totally okay with virtual hugs, I’m sending you one right now…for reading my thoughts and because I do care about you and want you to know I am truly glad you are here.