lovesick

oa-aimeeWhen I was growing up, if ever I was ‘not hungry’ when offered a snack by my Dad, he’d smile and ask “What are you…in love?”

“Ew! No, daaaaaaaahd!” I’d reply with my nose scrunched up.

As a kid my friends were mostly boys and “romantic” stuff was “SOH GAHROHSE.” –a theme that would continue throughout my life, apparently. Growing into a teen meant that my friends started dating and my guy friends started acting weird…or as I would put it to them “ruining it.” I would think we were going out to the bluffs to hang out or to the mall to get food and they’d show up with a sneaky flower on the dash of their car or they’d try to pay for lunch or comment on my appearance (and I would reflexively punch them). I was bossy and clueless, all I knew was I didn’t want things to change, I didn’t want them to “ruin it.”

I didn’t want to grow up and I definitely I didn’t want to exchange any of my self for what they were offering. Even as a young person I was keenly aware that peoples’ motivations are often suspect. Thankfully, my parents weren’t interested in “correcting” any of my tomboy tendencies – aside from the occasional teasing from Dad when his snacks were left uneaten/under appreciated.

After my divorce (oh, yeah…I was married once, ha!) I went through a stint of online dating. My profile was intentionally sarcastic so that it would be clear I was smarter than the average bear and would not bother ‘selling’ myself. WYSIWYG…Even with all that upfront comedy I would get the occasional pervy message – somebody that clearly was not looking for “love” (barf). Those inquiries only added fuel to the fire -or- paragraphs to the profile, if you prefer. The online convos with strangers got old real quick. It’s exhausting to have to apply for a job you don’t even want. So I quit it, and quit worrying about putting myself out there.

I’m not hungry AND I’m not in love…at this rate, the next awkward gathering where I’m asked whether I’m seeing anyone I may just reply: I’m retired.

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