these days

My first post of 2019 and so much to say…these days I am learning how to live life without my beagle, Mackenzie True. He passed away in late November and it broke me. He was very sick for nearly a year and two weekends before he passed I brought him to the vet for what I thought would be goodbye. But the vet gave me hope and more meds, and xrays and lab tests, and my little beagle lasted 10 more days. He passed at home around 10pm, it was a Tuesday. That was the most helpless I’ve ever felt in my entire life. He was 7 years old and my baby. I miss him more than anything.

I thought I was okay enough today to type this out, just a paragraph – just the basic details. But tears are blurring the screen and I’m running out of tissues so I’ll save my deeper thoughts for another day when I’m further away from it and the pain has dulled.

Only nine days after my dog passed, my Mother had a heart attack. It was Friday, early evening, when my sister sent a text: “hey.” – I knew something’d happened and it was not good. She called me a little while after that and explained what had happened and that Mom was stable but was life-flighted to Syracuse and needed tests and maybe a bypass. I was running on auto-pilot at the time – trying to concentrate on appearing sane – getting myself to work (end of the year deadlines loomed), feeding myself, sleeping and not breaking down in the car on the way home to my house without a beagle – and then I was trying to figure out how to call a hospital 1,000 miles away, speak coherently to a stranger and find out “if my Mom was conscious…did she know what was happening…was she afraid…tell her I called…tell her I LOVE her…” Because, you know,  what if I never got to talk to her again?

A few days later Mom had a heart bypass, a week after that she was at my sister’s place resting and a week after that we drove 22 hours to stay with Mom at her house for Christmas. So far so good. I call her more often now; every other day. She’s had a few doctor appointments, physical therapy and in-home nurse visits. She said she’s “fine” just gets tired quicker. She’s pretty tough for 74.

I’m not quite back to normal. When we returned from New York I felt like cleaning out the garage and house. So we did. I loaded my little Nissan hatchback with donations – clothes, home decor, a microwave – and after dropping them off at Good Will I planned on stopping for groceries. I never made it out of the driveway, though…car wouldn’t start.

(heavy sigh)

It was New Year’s Eve and I spent the night searching online – first car problem videos then car dealerships. I had planned on getting a new car in March. My old car was covered in dog hair since Mac had been going to the vet for months, multiple times a month. And I was taking him for car rides every weekend because he loved it. We couldn’t go for walks anymore so I took him in the car all over the place on Saturdays and Sundays, windows down. So all the car research I planned to do over 3 months was squished into 3 days. I hate buying/shopping for cars. I buy a car, have it for ten years and then I buy a new one – simple. I don’t like shopping in general, actually.

This is a really long post, if you’re still reading you deserve a beer or something. Thank you!

I DID find a car and it’s very new and has way too many buttons. Basically, guys, my car is smarter than me. My friends at work were way more excited about it than I was – I’d rather have my old car and my beagle, honestly. The only reason I was able to have a new car and a car payment is I won’t have to pay $400+ a month vet bills anymore – I feel guilty and undeserving, like: “you couldn’t keep Mac healthy so you shouldn’t have nice things…AND don’t forget you’re the worst daughter on earth.” It’s really messed up, but that’s how it feels.

Of course, I’m thankful that everything sorted itself out and I’m not riding a bicycle to work. Trust me, I know I’m blessed to have what I have. I’m not too old to remember when I had next to nothing. And I realize my problems are small in comparison to all that goes on in this world.

I won’t be getting another dog. I’ve learned that’s one of the first things people ask you when they find out your dog has passed. My heart breaks a little every time I’m asked. I think to myself, “Be nice, they don’t understand. They didn’t know what he meant to you, they weren’t there when he got sick, then sicker, or how hard you tried. They don’t understand you’re still broken.” And, it’s okay. Nobody needs to understand. My heart can’t take the loss. That’s all.

It’s a new year and things are different and I’m learning how to live life differently. It takes me a long time to adjust to change and death has always been a difficult thing for me to process. On a positive note I visited the dentist yesterday for my checkup and got an A+. That only took my entire life.

Oh and I’m following some new people on instagram that make me laugh so don’t worry about me over here being sad all the time. I can still laugh.

Life would be tragic, if it weren’t funny. – Hawking

Take care of yourself, drink your water, wash your hands, get a flu shot, and call your Mother/Father.  I’ll post again soon.  ♡

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